Vox

Replacement Windows

(Mom forwarded this to me today)

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them.

Helllooooo... just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! Helllooooo? It's been a year! I told him.

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up.

He never called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Back to School

Found this in my archives, funny and timely since school starts up soon:

Yet another email forward, but it is funny:

The evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2005
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.

A Long Distance Dedication

In honor of our new President, who, the media is trying very hard to convince us, is "Hip", a little Mel Torme

(I agree with Tammy Bruce, though, he is much more early Urkel than the press would care to admit)

Right click --> save as. It'll be gone soon.

Photoshop This

I found this shot in New York Magazine and it just screams "Photoshop potential" to me. I am not sure whether he looks bored or overwhelmed.

Just for reference, the original caption:
"President Obama at a Roosevelt Room budget meeting in January"

Perhaps this was the moment he realized he was in way over his head....
Or, that he might actually have to keep this job, rather than running for something else (I don't think they have elections for Emperor of the world)

Caption it, embellish it, mash it up - whatever. Here is a larger version for you to work with. Leave us a link in the comments - comments will support standard html if you want to post small versions. ExLg, I'm counting on you

Obama's New Book Gets A Plug

News Busted w/ Jodie Miller

"Anti-America's Funniest Home Videos"

Blue Team All-Stars

What a line-up they have in the game, and what a bunch of trick plays they've been running.

Which is why, Charlie, all the fans out there need to be glad for the recently available YouTube instant replay rules.

Financial Meltdown

No one is telling you the real crisis our economy is facing

Economists Warn Anti-Bush Merchandise Market Close To Collapse

"About As Well As She Knows How To Govern"

Laughing out loud while listening to this on headphones will get you strange looks from your office mates.

Totally worth it

McCain Sings Streisand

(Hat Tip Carlos Echevarria who found it at Texas Darlin')

Casting Coup

There is no way they could have missed the opportunity for Tina Fey in this role. I don't know if she will be able to continue to be their Sarahcuda, particularly if we are lucky enough to get McCain/Palin in the White House. But she nailed it - which only made Amy Pohler's Shrillary less convincing. Still funny, though.

UPDATE: Hate NBC, YouTube has been scrubbed. Here is the clip at the SNL site

Fun With Google

"Rachel Lucas and 83% of her readers are uncouth mouth-breathers."

Ok, seriously, I like that as a search term, but the post it relates to is, in fact, worth reading. But, I shouldn't have to tell you that, it's Rachel fer-petes-sake.

Palin Power

Heh

All Palin, All The Time

I know, I know

Might as well continue the theme, though

Palin filmed in the company of known Communists

"Great Balls of Fi-ah"

UPDATE: Dang - they beat me to it

Obama Gave A Speech?

That 3 am Phone Call

OK, seriously, I don't want this to become "all Palin, all the time" but there is just so much to say.

And stuff others have said that is too good not to share.

Like this:

I just don’t get the feeling from her that were the phone to ring at 3 a.m. with news of the Russian bear snarling at our door, she would mumble something about breast-feeding her infant or going to a school play and hang up. I do worry that Obama would convene a gathering of intellectual ditherers to come up with a plan for a conversation to have with world thought-leaders about what sort of image America wants to project in the face of understandable assertiveness on the part of an important member of the global community.

Faced with a charging moose, I want a president who would shoot the f*****.

Some of Her Early Work

Sarah Palin grants citizenship to Craig Ferguson

Cool New Game Show

Click to see the set of the new game show Spot The Tool

Oh, that's not what it is?

Nevermind

Fear Itself

(Hat Tip Pirate King)

Happy B-Day

Happy Birthday to NewsBusters.org

Two Jokers - lol

Holy Subpoena, Batman

Overlawyered reminds us of a post they made after Batman Begins.

There should never have been a Dark Knight - Bruce Wayne should should have been bankrupt or jailed...or both.

Spotted

Guy with a mullet and a porn 'stache, smoking a cigarette and driving a sky blue camaro.

Always good to start the day with a chuckle.

She Looks So Sweet in the Picture

Well played, Maggie, well played.

Yes, I laughed out loud at this tale of psychotic rodent disembowelment. Not sure if that's just the kind of person I am - or if Rachel's writing is just that funny.

On a side note, my adorable little deaf/blind mutant Aussie was quite a killer when I lived in CA. Deaf and blind didn't stop her from catching and killing the occasional squirrel, and leaving random bits on the deck for us to find.

I Ran...

more graph humor and song chart memes

Not Ready For the Digital Age

If I hadn't seen this with my own eyes, I might have doubted anyone could be so unclear on the concept...

My sister sent an email to someone - pretty straight forward, right?

He replied to the email and said, "please send me your email address so I can write to you from a different address"

Just Doin' His Job

I recently refinanced my mortgage and, being a glutton for punishment, I am trying to buy an additional property. In order to make a qualified offer, I am getting my loan letter in order - hoping for the most favorable response to my low bid.

The mortgage company just called my office to verify employment. Since I answered the phone I told him he should talk to someone else and handed the phone to M.

The first thing he asked her was, "Is she still employed there?"

Um, yeah, here's your sign.

What Year Is This?

During Idol Gives Back this evening, Robin Williams came out for a little skit. A little skit so full of old Russian stereotypes it wouldn't even have been funny if it had been delivered by Yakov Smirnoff during the Cold War.

Not only was the humor outdated, it was incredibly unPC for such a We Are The World kind of show. After that performance, he may just have his bleeding heart card revoked.

Headline of the Week

Lovesick Prison Guard Who Helped Kansas Inmates Escape Says She Feels Used

Gee, ya' think?

Overheard at the Office

"I was rubbing one part and rubbed this off of something"

"In their head, on the floor, when they talk about the war"

Mildly NSFW
(Mom, don't watch this)

Did We Say That? Oops

From Volokh who found it via Instapundit:

What Ferraro said is, at least partially, true. There are people supporting Obama because he is black - just as Clinton has gotten votes just because she is a woman.

And, I imagine, McCain has a lot of support based on his status as a war hero..Romney got the Mormon vote....

It happens, people!

However, the excuse Obama's campaign used for Michelle's "For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country" comment was "She meant because an African-American has a chance of winning the Presidency". Live by the sword....

More PC Maintenance

It is much easier to get your work done if your monitor screen is clean - and you've smiled during the day.

To take care of both problems, set your browser window to full screen and click here.

(Via Shiny Shiny)

They're Coming For You

If someone out there has the technical ability - I would love to see a mash up of this video with this audio.

(how creepy is that Obama video anyway? Wow)

Sums It Up Nicely

Tony decided to catch up on the situation with Campaign 2008. For those of you who are still unsure of which way to vote, you may want to read his recap.

But It Was Worth A Try

from xkcd
A webcomic of romance,
sarcasm, math, and language.

(Hat Tip T.C.H.O.T.P.)

What Musicians Think

One night a mind reader is at a club, and decides to give a small demonstration of her abilities...

First, she reads the mind of the lead guitarist:

["Whoa, look at all those wimmin who showed up tonight! All right!"]

Then the drummer:

["Hey, lots of people out there...great! We're going to make good money tonight".]

Then the keyboard player:

["These guys have no appreciation of my talent...what a bunch of losers".]

Finally, the bass player:

["C...G...C...G..."]

Delilah Gets A Lawyer

OK, I actually like the original song...but this is pretty funny.

My Client Delilah

(Hat Tip to T.C.H.O.T.P.'s daughter, for whom I need to find a nickname/acronym)

Clean Clappers

Humor, the old way

Johnny Carson & Jack Webb

Like, Oh My God, It's Cashmere!

Good to know someone in LA has a sense of humor - watch 'em all, they'll make ya' chuckle

Honk if You're Tired of Bumper Stickers

Ward says it pretty well, nothing really to add.

Who's Your Homey?

(nod to Sofa King who said "Weird Al is my homey" and Southron Views for posting the video)

Decoding a Crush

Well, none of my crushes made the list - so no insight into my personality ;-)

What His Celeb Crush Says About Him

The Choice is Clear

Sofa King sent me a link to this shirt today - gave me quite a giggle.

It's funny 'cause it's true . . .

Plan Ahead

From Infamy or Praise comes this Thank God It's Schadenfreude!

Might've Come in Handy

• "Demands for a ban on 'un-Islamic' activities in schools will be set out by the Muslim Council of Britain today. Targets include playground games, swimming lessons, school plays, parents' evenings and even vaccinations."--Daily Express (London), Feb. 21
  
• "Afghanistan's Defense Ministry says some 60 Taliban fighters were drowned when their boat sank as they were attempting to cross the Helmand River."--Radio Free Europe/Radio Liberty, June 3

Jihad Q & A

Funny, but too big - click for the image.

Mine is a Remote Comtrol

My keyring, that is.

Found this over at Gaping Void - too funny (Mom, please don't click through...it's nothing, really) So, Anna walks into a sex shop

(The comments on that one are mighty good, as well)

Oh, Lighten Up

It's funny.

Coincidence?

As much as I hate to give the "truthers" any more ammunition, I think this shows the government has been in the disaster/cover-up business for a very long time.

(Hat Tip T.C.H.O.T.P.)

Born To Rock

Gotta love F-Minus

Artoo-Potatoo

The geek shall inherit the earth, but they will be too busy with all their cool toys to notice.

Take these for instance, Star Wars Mr Potato Head. Does it get any cooler than that?

"Daddy's Magic"

Colin has that whole parenting thing down pat, including the little bits of magic that parents occasionally must do.

Bad Tattoos

Via Martinis, Persistence and a Smile - Stupid tattoos

I could never get a tattoo, simply because there is nothing I am that sure I want to be saying in 30 years - apparently these people didn't take that into consideration. Throw in the fact that it involves pain and they often look stupid, besides saying things about you that you may not have intended, and there is no way I would get near a needle.

2 + 2 =

I received this from a girlfriend today, too classic to keep to myself

Q. You need a calculator to subtract 9 from 14?

Wednesday Funny

Fa La La La La

El Gringo pointed me to Scalzi's list of Christmas songs which need to be purged from the musical catalog.

Some of the comments are quite amusing, but I think the loathing expressed in this one is priceless

I vote for the unholy trinity of 80s charity singles: Do They Know It's Christmas? (UK), We Are The World (US) and Tears Are Not Enough (Canada). Sure, only the original one explicitly mentions Christmas, but they all meld together in an oozing, cheesy treacly lump of ineffectually collected and administered western sentiment and currency.

Scalzi's personal choice was Feliz Navidad, which reminded me of something I meant to post a while back. I attended a production of The Nutcracker this year, presented by Ballet Arizona and The Phoenix Symphony. As we walked past the box office, I heard the strains of Feliz Navidad. I looked around to locate the source and found a quartet in full-on Dickensian apparel, happily singing it.

It's the little things.

Heh Heh

"What Fun It Is To Watch The Suns"

The Suns set a franchise record (15 wins in a row), and gave the fans a corny Christmas carol (leave the sound on, don't "skip intro").

I told you it was corny......

Christmas Carols For The Disturbed

1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?

2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are

3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas

4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and .....

6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me

7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is Saskatchewan so far away?

10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle .......

Quick Funny

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.

"Mom," he asked, "are these my brains?"

"Not yet," replied his mother

Where Applicable

I have certainly run into a few of these laws in my day...

Lerman's Law of Technology:
Any technical problem can be overcome given
enough time and money.

Corollary:
You are never given enough time or money.

Law of the Search:
The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Corollary:
It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

Kaufman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

Kenny's Law of Auto Repair:
The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

Second Law of Business Meetings:
If there are two possible ways to pronounce a name, you will pick the wrong one.

Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Yeager's Law:
Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.

Corollary:
All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

Quile's Consultation Law:
The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

Loftus' Law:
Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

Lovka's Dilemma:
You never get away, you only get someplace else.

Love This Strip

Playing philosophical football

If In Doubt

Have I mentioned how much I enjoy Gaping Void?

The Truth Comes Out

I recently posted what I thought was an adorable video of a mother panda being startled by her baby's sneeze. The video is no longer available. Curious.

Kind of makes you wonder if they found the youngster wasn't actually sneezing, but instead was coughing up a severed human thumb.....

I'm just sayin'

1 in 300 Million

HowManyOfMe.com

There is: 1 person with my name in the U.S.A. How many have your name?

Too Cute

via Shiny Shiny

From The Utterly Ridiculous File

But, it is well done - Star Trek Cribs

Gape Into The Void

I am adding the Gaping Void widget to my sidebar because he cracks me up.

Hopefully the "adult content" filter works....we'll see

Oh, You Beautiful Doll

The American Inventor Spot has posted a dating primer that SAJU might want to check out, 10 Types of Women You Need to Avoid

(Hat Tip Macker, who thinks his ex may be in that list )

Could Have Guessed It

I followed Michael's lead and took the test.

35% Dixie. You are definitely a Yankee.

My neck isn't even pink, more like a very pale peaches and cream.....

;-)

Teaching Math

Yet another email forward, but it is funny:

The evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2005
Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80.

Jack Bauer

OK, I've never actually seen the show, but that didn't stop me from laughing out loud at these Jack Bauer-isms.

Examples:

• When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.
  
• It's no use crying over spilt milk... Unless that was Jack Bauer's milk.
  Oh you are so screwed.

In related news, he apparently signed on for another 3 years at a price of $40 million. Nice.

Check Yes or No

Found another funny courtesy of Lori: VDay

Logic of B & B

I was going through my massive collection of email and found this - from 2002.

Sure, "Learn Logic with Beavis and Butthead!" is a bit dated, but it's funny.

Learn Logic with Beavis and Butthead

A work in progress, where our two friends exemplify logical fallacies, types of causation and other cool stuff. Quotations are from memory, and so may not be entirely accurate, e.g. I may have substituted "buttmunch" for "buttknocker"....

---------------------------------------------

Circular definition
This is where you include the concept you are defining in the definition of that concept.

Butthead: Shut up, bunghole!
Beavis : What's a bunghole?
Butthead: A bunghole is what you are, bunghole!

---------------------------------------------

Fallacy of Accident
Assuming that a generalisation will hold in every case.

Butthead: They must be cool, they're from Seattle.

---------------------------------------------

Converse Fallacy of Accident(?)
Making a generalisation from insufficient evidence.

Storekeeper: Hello, Maximart. We've got a robbery in progress
Police : Are they armed?
Storekeeper: Er...of course they're armed. Aren't all kids armed?

---------------------------------------------

Equivocation
Equivocation means many things, but is often taken to mean using a word in a different sense to that which was intended. In fact the word "equivocation" is pretty equivocal.

(Beavis, under the influence of a music video, is "dancing" on the sofa.)

Butthead: Get down, Beavis!
Beavis : I am getting down!

---------------------------------------------

Circular causation
A chicken and egg situation. Not always the result of faulty logic, of course - life is often like that, as Butthead demonstrates here....

Beavis : How come Tom Petty's on TV?
Butthead: Coz he's famous, dumbass.
Beavis : Yeah, but how come he's famous?
Butthead: Coz he's on TV, buttmunch!
Beavis : Yeah, but how come he's on TV?

and so on....

Does This Stuff Work on Terrorists?

I followed Macker's lead and went through the registration process (you didn't warn us about that) to see who this site thinks I look like, using their Face Recognition Engine.....

• Scarlett Johanson (70%)
• Natalie Wood (63%)
• Amarita Rao (63%)
• Brigitte Bardot (62%)
• Kate Winslet (60%)
• Juliette Binoche (58%)
• Winona Ryder (50%)
• Judy Garland (58%)
  and...
• Ewan McGregor (62%) ????
  AND Richard Feynman (37%) - he's my hero, how cool is that

My mother, who I have spent my whole life being told I look "just like" rated

• Rita Hayworth (66%)!
• Greta Garbo (62%) makes sense, she's a Scandinavian babe
• Kim Basinger (58%) ?
• Sophia Loren (56%) Wow
• Gwyneth Paltrow (55%)
  and...
• Martin Luther King Jr (58%) WTF????

My sister:

• Halle Berry (62%)
  and...
• Steve McQueen (55%) ?

TCHOTP:

• Fidtjof Nansen (50%)
• Pierce Brosnan (42%)
  and...
• Annette Benning (39%)

I tried a picture of Santa, but they couldn't find any matches.

They obviously have a few bugs to work out ;-)

Hey, Lefty

T.C.H.O.T.P. sent these to me today - and I laughed out loud.

Should I feel bad about that?

Intellectual

You're a scientific intellectual.


What Sort of Intellectual Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Top The Cartoonist

I'm not nearly clever enough to take on this challenge, but I know I have several readers who are.

If you enter, tell me what you wrote.

To B or not to B...

Cloning: immoral or effecient?

There We Were...

Figures....

Which flock do you follow?

this quiz was made by alanna

Found it here

My Reputation Precedes Me.....

I work for a payroll company - well, it is actually employee leasing, but same general idea. A lot of our employees are economically challenged, even more of them are intellectually disadvantaged. This leads to MANY headaches with their paychecks.

One of our clients has been trying to help one of his/our employees get clear on the whole process which involved bringing him to the office today to pick up a check that was returned (I am amazed at how many of them don't know their own address) and sign him up for direct deposit. I have talked to this client several times before, we've worked with his company for years, but I've never met him and I wasn't in the office when they came this morning.

The client called later and, the phone having been passed to me, the conversation wwent sort of like this ~

Client: "Who is this?"
Me: "This is B"
Client: "Crazy B?"

"You must have talked to him at least once for him to know that"

Can You Put It On A Resume?

Stacy found some vocational advise, and I thought I would give it a try.

Pick a job based on your horoscope:

Cancer (June 22-July 22) Cancers are imaginative, dramatic, philosophical, nurturing and protective. You're best at dispensing advice, so consider law, psychology, teaching, nursing or social work for your life's vocation.

Yep, I've considered all those.....

Misleading?

I took 5 minutes today (once we got the network back up ) to play 20Q online.

I won, but the site claims I gave it misleading information with these answers, what do you think?

She Has To Stop Shooting Him

I heard an audio clip on the radio tonight of a 911 call, I think from Texas. The gist of it was a woman on the phone calling about someone who broke into their house. In the background you hear screaming, then you hear a shot - Grandma shot him. Then it gets good.

This 66 year old Grandma gives him what for - "How dare you come into my house? Who do you think you are? Don't you dare stand up before the police get here, I'll shoot you again?" You can just picture the guy wondering what happened to his brilliant plan. She continues to holler at him and warn him to stay down while the caller describes him to the 911 operator - then you hear another shot. Guess he tried to get up.

The 911 operator then says "Did she just shoot him again? Tell her she has to stop shooting him"

Apparently, she only shot him in the leg - both times - so he will survive, and probably sue. Moron. But it is good to know there are some Grandmothers out there who can take care of themselves - and their families.

If anyone comes across the audio, let me know.

UPDATE: Still no audio, but here is the story from ABC

UPDATE: Here is the audio - the version I heard was better, it was editted to get rid of all the boring stuff.

Deja Vu

Is there some Doonesbury controversy I am unaware of? For some reason they are running this series again.

Cool - If You're Into That Sort Of Thing

Found this at The Ultimate Insult: Astor Cube becomes Rubiks Cube

And this: assasinations predicted in Moby Dick

And: the Pumpkin Gutter

Perception

My sister is on a sabbatical in New Mexico for a few weeks. She is staying with some friends who are, as is she, Christians.

She also has Yahoo! Messenger so we can chat, but it logs on automatically no matter who turns on the computer. This morning I wanted to send her a cute picture that Reilly posted so I pasted the link into the messenger window and hit send - it looked like this:
http://uptowngirl.kinkyblogs.com/archives/2005/10/25/some-days-32/

She immediately logged out. How strange, she never does that to me.

Then I realized that it probably wasn't her, it was probably her host....who may have been a bit taken back by someone randomly sending a link to something "kinky".

Sorry, Sis hope I didn't offend anyone too much

In A Funk

Still in a funk but looking to get out of it. Tony is always reliable - he turns the simple moments into such gems, and I got quite a giggle out of his Spider, Man story.

Quite a giggle is quite an improvement.

Noodleous Doubleous

Being a pasta lover I couldn't help but be fascinated by this story - and I must attempt to recreate this result in my own lab.

(Hat Tip to to Desert Rat)

A Modern Fable

American Dinosaur has an educational post today - the moral of the story.

Too True

This postcard made me giggle today.

How Many?

I love light bulb jokes, and Cowboy Blob found a cute one I haven't heard before: How many dogs does it take to change a lightbulb?

Editing

American Dinosaur reminds us of an oldie but a goodie.

Movie Quote

I watched I Do, But I Don't yesterday - cheesy, made-for-Lifetime-TV movie. Basically a reworking of The Wedding Planner, but without J-Lo so it was instantly better. There were some funny lines in it, but for me the money quote was:

I'll Get You, You Dastardly Humans!

I giggle just thinking about this picture

Witty Little Me

the Wit (52% dark, 38% spontaneous, 21% vulgar)

your humor style: CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat. I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer. Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion. You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm talking about, check it out here: http://www.bbc.co.uk/comedy/theoffice/. PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais The 3-Variable Funny Test! - it rules - If you're interested, try my latest: The Terrorism Test

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 64% on darkness You scored higher than 37% on spontaneity You scored higher than 15% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on Ok Cupid

What is a zombie?

OK, Michael made me laugh out loud this morning with this, possibly the greatest movie line ever

Yes, I Would....

I was noodling around over at The Party Poker Blog and came across this quote - and the whole office was amused:

My favorite is when Pug, in a moment of weakness, asks his girlfriend "Would you still love me if I were broke?" Her response: "Yes, I would, Pug. And I'd miss you, too."

BTW: Funny blog, interesting poker tidbits - INSANELY long, rambling posts full of unrelated material that makes it difficult to link to the info you want, and confusing to read through. Argh!

Vox in a Box

Inadvertent Humor

Over the weekend (OK, 2:30 Sunday morning) someone called my office and, apparently unaware they had connected, proceeded to have a fight with her boyfriend on voice mail. It is freaking hilarious - I have got to find a way to record it so I can post it here.

She is all upset because our number was on his phone at 4:00 on Friday and he didn't call her till 4:30 - lol. I am not sure who actually called us, but I know it wasn't the name that came up on caller ID. I think it is our one major pain-in-the-neck employee who has to pick up his check in person each week, and calls to be sure we have it. He never calls from the same number and, based on the time, I am betting he borrowed the phone.

And some guy is getting MAJOR grief for it. If she'd have just listened to the outgoing message she'd have seen it was a business. Instead, they spend 8 minutes or so going around and around - and I can't tell if he doesn't know why the number is there or just doesn't want to let her off the hook......

I need a giggle. I'm gonna go listen to it again.

Woody Allen....?

Found this fun little tool over at Snarky's place where she created a nice family portrait. It is supposed to guesstimate which star you look like, but I found a flaw immediately - Woody Allen. They should just leave him out of the database entirely.

I started with a picture of SG, and the results returned were George Clooney, Gary Kasparov and....Woody Allen??? Now, I can see *some* Clooney characteristics, though SG is much better looking. And I certainly wouldn't want to say anything against Kasparov - I love a man with a big brain - but looks-wise he isn't even in the ballpark. And Woody Allen??? - - how did he even get in the results with those other two, let alone matched with my gorgeous guy? uh...NO. Just NO.

As if that weren't enough proof, check out the results for yours truly: Cindy Margolis, Aishwarya Rai and Jeri Ryan. Yeah, I wish.

Maybe I'll try the dog next...or my bird...

UPDATE: Yes, I know it is all in fun - did this post really sound serious to you?!?! Really? Did you look at the category?

Word of the Day

From the man who brought us "fartling" comes "snifferentiate"

Prince Charming

Pilot Wisdom

T.C.H.O.T.P. sent me this list today; some I have heard before, some are new to me.

• To become a pilot a person has to learn 4000 facts... to stay alive you must remember one...When to turn around!
  
  
• Fly it until the last piece stops moving
  
  
• Never go anywhere in an airplane your brain wasn't 5 minutes earlier
  
  
• An airplane will probably fly a little over gross, but it will never fly without fuel
  
  
• To go up, pull the controls back...to go down, pull the controls back more
  
  
• A good landing is
    ~   one where you can still open the doors
    ~   one that you can swim back to the dock from
    ~   one that you fill out your log books with a coffee in your hand not an IV in your arm
  A great landing is a landing when you can use the airplane to fly again
  
  
• I.F.R.: - I Follow Roads
  
  
• Flying is 3 things:
  Speed, Altitude and Brains - at any given time you must have 2 out of the three
  
  
• Cessna pilots are always found in the wreckage with one hand around the microphone
  
  
• A male pilot talks about women when he is flying, and flying when he is with a woman
  
  
• There are 3 secrets to making a good landing. Problem is, no one knows what they are
  
  
• "I give your landing a 9...on the Richter scale."
  
  
• "Young man was that a landing or were we shot down?"
  
  
• "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
  "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
  "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
  
  
• Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
  Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches"
  
  
• The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
  The Cherokee pilot came back with; "I made it out of DC-8 parts and with another landing like you just made and I'll have enough for a second one."
  
  
• A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was "running a bit rough."
  Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
  "Ah", the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
  
  
• A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
  Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
  
  
• Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
  After an hour-long wait it finally taxied out again.
  A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What is the problem?"
  "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
  
  
• An air accident investigator takes 6 months to analyze the mistakes made by someone who had 6 minutes to make them
  
  
• I started to get worried when the autopilot grabbed the only parachute and vacated the plane
  
  
• It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground
  
  
• Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups
  
  
• There was fog so thick I couldn't see the instruments. Only way I knew was inverted was my flying medals where in my eyes
  
  
• Keep the shiny side up and greasy side down
  
  
• A fool and his money are usually flying more airplane than he can handle
  
  
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire
  
  
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  
  
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  
  
• You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  
  
• Stay out of clouds; The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction!
  
  
• Good judgment comes from experience.
  Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  
  
• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  
  
• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  
  
• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
  
  
• Three of the best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good crap….landing on an aircraft carrier at night allows you to experience all three at once!
  
  
• When asked how much it costs to learn how to fly, we have just as often replied….”About a hundred bucks. Learning how to land will cost you $4,500.

Your Opinion, Please

Is this dirty - or is it just my mind being in the gutter?

Everyone Else is Doing it

Well, it seems like the thing to do lately in the blogosphere. First Michael & Diane, then FrankJ & SarahK. I think we established a while ago that I am a follower, and the timing just seems right.

Spring is the time for renewal, the time for the triumph of alcohol optimism over experience. The time to embrace the possibilities.

The time for a trip to Laughlin, NV with SG.

I found out what else there is to do there besides gamble - or maybe it's just a different kind of gambling. So, I guess that makes me Mrs SG now - back after a short honeymoon.

April Fools!

Can't Help It

Really, I didn't want to laugh at these - but I couldn't stop myself......

And may I just say: Thank you, Mom, for not using these tactics.

Too True

I am not generally a fan of Doonesbury, but I have to admit that this one is funny - and soooo true.

Undecided Voters

How they live now....

The Truth

I saw a great bumper sticker on my way to work:

A Perfect Fit

John Edwards shows that he is the perfect choice for the Kerry ticket, being just as vain and shallow as Lurch.

"For a guy who’s been known derisively to the Bush crowd as the Breck girl," observes Shearer, vice presidential candidate John Edwards seems "way too interested in his hair." He tries to straighten it with his fingers. A makeup technician approaches with a comb, but the senator likes it just so and does the combing himself. He signals he’s ready for hair spray by closing his eyes expectantly, like a child. Then Edwards and the technician straighten a little more with their fingers. Please don’t tell me that thing in his hand is a compact. Oh, dear. It is.

I have to imagine, however, that this new information coming to light will hurt them with the environmentalist wackos - did you see how much hair spray they used on him? OMG! And what is with the weird lip licking/chewing ritual...bizarre.

Found via Stacy, who got it from Lisa

Just a Reminder

The election is 2 weeks away - 2 weeks, that's all. You are going to be making a very important decision about who will lead, and represent, this country for the next four years. I don't think you can have too much information about that - therefore I want you to go and take a look at this comparison that Gary put together. It is very thorough, and shows clearly who the best choice is. He even gives us a comparison of the presumed First Ladies.

For your future and mine, for the future of the free people of the world and those that hope to be, who would you vote for?

heh-heh

Threats

The Thinklings have given us the Kerryland Nuisance Alert System.

And Stacie gives us Volcanopalooza

Conservative Comedy

These guys are in town tonight and tomorrow. I can't make it 'cause I didn't know in time - but wanted to let the rest of you Phoenix area folks know, just in case.

They also sell some fun merchandise, like this

Sorry, Packers

From Snopes:

FOOTBALL + ELECTION

Did you know....??

The Washington Redskins have proved to be a time-tested election predictor. In the previous 15 elections, if the Washington Redskins have lost their last home game prior to the election, the incumbent party has lost the White House. When they have won, the incumbent has stayed in power.

This election year, that deciding game takes place on Sunday, October 31 ... vs. Green Bay.

I love the Packers, but I really want to see them lose that game

More Laughs from JibJab

Thanks to Lori pointing out that the JibJab brothers have made another animated short - and it's funny.

Good to be in D.C.

Thanks to the brothers for posting their pictures - now we know they are cute as well as clever

Oops - lol

Scott Ott nails it once again -

Limbaugh Ruling Inadvertently Overturns Roe v. Wade

"On behalf of the 4th District Court of Appeals," the unnamed spokesman said, "Oops."

John Kerry - Vietnam Vet

Just some funnies from Daryl Cagle's Cartoonist Index:

About Kerry's Purple Hearts

His attempts to avoid dwelling on his Vietnam service

His anti-war activity

His Iraq plan

His ability to relate to the common man

His flip-flops

Alternate Titles

Michael finds the best stuff

The Top 13 Alternate Titles for “Fahrenheit 9/11″
(Right-Wing Wacko version)

Great Art

Hardworking Americans brings us a sneak peek of the new Clinton portrait - amazingly lifelike.

A New Perspective

What does gay marriage lead to....?

Gay divorce

UPDATE: T.C.H.O.T.P. points out that this is very old news

Random Late Night Humor

Gleaned from NewsMax

Kilborn

• It was a big weekend for the candidates. President Bush talked about the improving economy. John Kerry emphasized his war record. Ralph Nader talked about an article he wrote one time about a toaster that explodes.
• Howard Dean has dropped out of the presidential race. He never recovered from that early disaster – the Al Gore endorsement.

Leno

• [Feb 23th?]Operation Desert Storm began on this date in 1991. You remember Desert Storm. That was the popular war against Iraq that left Saddam Hussein in power and was considered a success. As opposed to the recent unpopular war against Iraq, which removed Hussein from power, freed the Iraqis and is considered a complete failure.
• Some sad news: One of President Bush’s dogs, "Spot," was put to sleep over the weekend; he was 15 and had a series of strokes. He was the second-most-famous spot at the White House ... that wasn’t evidence
• The Democratic primary comes down to John Edwards, who is worth $50 million, and John Kerry, who married a woman worth $500 million. So it's a classic battle between the haves and the really haves.
• I thought this was weird – today Saddam Hussein said he doesn’t think America is any safer now that Howard Dean is no longer a candidate.

Letterman

• The Democratic campaign is heating up. It’s looking like the nominee will be John Kerry. The only way John Kerry can sink now is with an Al Gore endorsement.

A Little Winter Fun

Give the kids a chance to play before you shake the snowglobe.

Oh, and the sounds are fun, too.

Funny

Watching the Tonight Show, enjoying Jay's monologue. He was focusing, of course, on the capture of Saddam and came up with this gem.

With all his talk of "they'll never take me alive", and even though he had at least three firearms with him at the time, Saddam was captured without a struggle. Didn't resist at all. Glen Campbell put up more of a fight than this guy.

I know it's silly, but it made me smile.