Vox

Pilot Wisdom

T.C.H.O.T.P. sent me this list today; some I have heard before, some are new to me.

• To become a pilot a person has to learn 4000 facts... to stay alive you must remember one...When to turn around!
  
  
• Fly it until the last piece stops moving
  
  
• Never go anywhere in an airplane your brain wasn't 5 minutes earlier
  
  
• An airplane will probably fly a little over gross, but it will never fly without fuel
  
  
• To go up, pull the controls back...to go down, pull the controls back more
  
  
• A good landing is
    ~   one where you can still open the doors
    ~   one that you can swim back to the dock from
    ~   one that you fill out your log books with a coffee in your hand not an IV in your arm
  A great landing is a landing when you can use the airplane to fly again
  
  
• I.F.R.: - I Follow Roads
  
  
• Flying is 3 things:
  Speed, Altitude and Brains - at any given time you must have 2 out of the three
  
  
• Cessna pilots are always found in the wreckage with one hand around the microphone
  
  
• A male pilot talks about women when he is flying, and flying when he is with a woman
  
  
• There are 3 secrets to making a good landing. Problem is, no one knows what they are
  
  
• "I give your landing a 9...on the Richter scale."
  
  
• "Young man was that a landing or were we shot down?"
  
  
• "Flight 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 degrees."
  "But Center, we are at 35,000 feet.. How much noise can we make up here?"
  "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
  
  
• Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
  Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches"
  
  
• The pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the runway while a DC-8 landed. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
  The Cherokee pilot came back with; "I made it out of DC-8 parts and with another landing like you just made and I'll have enough for a second one."
  
  
• A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was "running a bit rough."
  Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down.
  "Ah", the pilot remarked, "the dreaded seven-engine approach."
  
  
• A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight.
  While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
  Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
  
  
• Taxiing down the tarmac, the DC10 abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.
  After an hour-long wait it finally taxied out again.
  A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What is the problem?"
  "The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the flight attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."
  
  
• An air accident investigator takes 6 months to analyze the mistakes made by someone who had 6 minutes to make them
  
  
• I started to get worried when the autopilot grabbed the only parachute and vacated the plane
  
  
• It's better to break ground and head into the wind than to break wind and head into the ground
  
  
• Assumption is the mother of all foul-ups
  
  
• There was fog so thick I couldn't see the instruments. Only way I knew was inverted was my flying medals where in my eyes
  
  
• Keep the shiny side up and greasy side down
  
  
• A fool and his money are usually flying more airplane than he can handle
  
  
• The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire
  
  
• The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating.
  
  
• When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky.
  
  
• You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp.
  
  
• Stay out of clouds; The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction!
  
  
• Good judgment comes from experience.
  Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment.
  
  
• It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible.
  
  
• Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed.
  
  
• The three most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, and a tenth of a second ago.
  
  
• Three of the best things in life are a good landing, a good orgasm and a good crap….landing on an aircraft carrier at night allows you to experience all three at once!
  
  
• When asked how much it costs to learn how to fly, we have just as often replied….”About a hundred bucks. Learning how to land will cost you $4,500.